Town's Turkeys Are Revolting ; People Panic Buy Their Peace-Loving Quorn Alternative

With barely four hours to go before most major stores and supermarkets close for the Christmas holidays, reports are being reported that turkeys everywhere are revolting.

The up-rising was first noticed by a nosey Moredon woman stood in the ten items or less line in Morrisons at Haydon Wick , '' I glanced round at a pallet of discounted biscuit tins next to the freezers when this headless turkey jumped up on the shelf it was on, pushed open the door and ran off toward the bakery to thaw off, passed the canned peas.''

Ms A Podmore, of Jubilee Gardens, didn't report this strange event at the time as her husband was outside in the car and she had to get back for a Desperate Housewives double-bill on More 4.

Fifteen minutes earlier, a gang of twelve turkeys was seen running down Paddington Drive by a startled Stagecoach driver, '' not the sought of thing you expect to see when on time and a half on Christmas Eve,'' he commented.

Unconfirmed sources at the Wiltshire Constabulary said the turkeys were going to Bridgemead Sainsburys to liberate several of their more oppressed comrades at the fresh meat counter.

Residents are being advised to lock their windows, bolt their doors and say their prayers. But make sure any turkeys already in the house are left outside first.